I’ve been coming through a time that I haven’t understood and that’s lead me to stop writing. There was a time when a counselor told me to never stop writing because it is what keeps me sane. He was serious. That’s important, don’t you think? But, still I had to keep to myself for a bit. I had to just let go of seeking wisdom and go a little crazy because I had too much to accept.
One of the things I’ve had to accept is that I have something to say, but I don’t feel worthy of saying it. I didn’t feel like I have the caliber to be the one who brings forward truths that I believe are important but will require defense. I have given up anger and defense seemed to me, as I considered it, as if it requires a level of anger as a primary motivator.
That “anger” is really personal justification for taking a position. It’s what human beings fall into when they have to make a hard choice. When a person breaks up a relationship with another, they’ll create a circumstance of anger, sometimes, in order to provide a reason for the breakup, other than simply the fact that they no longer love. No longer loving comes from inside me. Anger comes because of what “you” did… not me. It justifies my choice. You can see this when people leave a church. Some people fade away, coming less and less, until they sort of forget to go and then realize they haven’t been for a while. But a number of people choose an affront, claim offense, and so leave in a huff, one they’ve actually created within themselves.
When I give up anger as my motivation, then I have to allow truth to just be truth. That means I have to accept it within myself as who I am and what I believe. Letting my “yes” be yes and my “no” be no. It is interesting that these two words, yes and no, are not easily classified in grammar. They are sometimes referred to as “sentence words.” They state the whole idea. That can mean that they carry a sense of being a “verb.” That is, they suggest activity. I will do this because… I won’t do this because… Inherent in the words, yes and no, is the idea that I will carry through on an action in one direction or another.
So, I’m not worried any longer for shutting down. I had to. I sometimes have to take time because if all I’m trying to do is fill pages with thought then I’ll begin to just say things. They may have meaning, but they won’t reveal truth to me. I won’t have spent enough time with it for it to nurture me. And that’s part of the nature of truth. It’s got to nurture us, before we express it. Do I feel worthy of expressing the truth I see? That’s not the point. Truth stands in its own worth.